A Li’l Less And A Lot More || Comeback Post

Walking in MY OWN SHOES this time.. My 4.5 inch high heeled shoes, that looks classy on the outside, but when you walk for a mile, it hurts and kills on the inside.

This is a part of Sunday Photo Fiction and I am sorry, it is supposed to be within 200 words, but it won’t be.. coz for once, please let me SPEAK as this picture speaks to me more than I can do justice to it.

I have too many secrets.. I’ve made too many promises. I don’t break promises EVER ‘coz that’s a part of who I am, but what about my secrets? I have too many of them.. some are silly, some are dark.. some are known, some are buried in one of those corners which, if excavated, will leave me bleeding.. and the blood won’t be RED.. TRUST me, it has turned black because that part has not been breathing.. for too long.. Blood turns black and blue when it isn’t getting right oxygen.. that part has been locked in a dungeon for so long I am afraid that if I opened the lock, the pain will swamp me over in a way I won’t be able to breath again.

 

However, that’s not all. I sometimes wonder if I made too many promises at the end. I sometimes feel the burden of my own promises. There are things I want to tell others, but I can’t because I am tied by promises. Sometimes, I feel like breaking one of it just to test what happens… will my heart quiver? Will I fail myself? will the earth stop? Nothing will change except for me perhaps. I won’t be able to see myself in the eye coz the only sense of pride that I have in me is the fact that I KEEP MY PROMISES. If I don’t even have that shred of pride in me, I will be a boneless mass of blood and muscles, but does that make it easy? NO.

On the outside, I am like this beautiful tree except I am not so pretty. People look at the tree and talk of how happy it seems, how perfect it is, how it has people to appreciate who it is. I am not beautiful,. but I have people who believe that I am good to be around, but ask the tree, what it feels. If trees could speak, it would say of how incomplete it feels. Sometimes, how broken it feels to have so many secrets bottled inside you, how cowardly it feels to have the urge to speak something but not being able to say it loud because of the fear of being judged.

I have heard a lot of people say, you should not be afraid of things to say because of the fear of being judged because the ones who judge do not matter and the ons who matter do not judge. These are merely words because the ones who matter will ALWAYS matter and when they judge you, it KILLS you.. you’re too afraid to break their conception of you.. the idealistic image that they have painted of who you are.. you’re scared to even imagine as to what will happen if they wake up one day to know that “you” are not “you”.. you were just faking to be their canvas of idealism.. THEY ALWAYS MATTER and in the end, you fake a smile, put on your makeup and pretend there are NO secrets. While you’re in the end NOTHING but a PROMISE OF SECRETS or a SECRET of PROMISES.

Somedays, i want to scream out loud and rustle all my leaves with such a  force that God smiles and says, My child is a rebel”. I want to be a rebel and tell everyone all the things I have wanted to tell. I want to ask every single question that I have so many times typed and deleted. I want to tell every single dark story that I have bottled inside. I want to break a few promises that I rightly made to the wrong people, but in the end, I perhaps just want to be me without being afraid of who I really am.

Will I ever be able to do that? “I don’t know” seems like the right thing to say, but in my heart I know. NO is the answer.

I will ALWAYS remain quiet

When I wish to scream

I will still stick to the promises

Made to people

Who killed a part of me

I will still stand by my words

When they are nothing but daggers

That pierce a little deeper within

I will never confess my love

Even when that is all I wish

I will be scared of you judging me

Even when I know

That you probably know

And you will still LOVE me

But,  like a fool

I will forever doubt

If you would still be happy

Knowing the things I did

Which I shouldn’t

I will always be scared

To break

The ideal image that you’ve weaved

When in my heart I forever knew

I could never be the BEAUTIFUL tree

Which the world sees

When in my heart I forever knew

I will NEVER be the poetry

That people sing

When in my heart I forever knew

I will end up disappointing

All those who once loved me

Because they loved not me

But the “me” they thought I would be

Sadly, the insides and the outside do not meet

And I am but a layer of 

Too many promises

And far more secrets

I am

A li’l less and a lot more

 

P.S. yes, I am back.. regular posting starts today. Been a good break.. 

Lovies,

Shade

 

Mighty thanks to Al Forbes for such a brilliant picture as it made me know that it’s time to be back to where I belong. I’ve missed my own words even if it was for a couple of days. I think, I am back 🙂 🙂

Some may say, I was never GONE, but I was… Now, perhaps, I am BACK.

Forever Alone On The Rocks

The sky was painted in the most dazzling shade of red. She stood there on her window, inching as forward as she possibly could. She felt like the sky was calling her, there was a mysterious power beckoning her. Is this what we call the GUARDIAN ANGEL.. she could feel a pull, she sensed something in the sky.. the world calls it clouds, she differed. It wasn’t a tuft of cloud.. it never is.

You see a shape.. a mass of something..everyone interprets it differently and yet it is same for each one of us. She wanted to break through her window and climb up high above the sky and kiss the clouds. Yes, she wanted to KISS the clouds like no one has kissed before. Could she? YES, she screamed. She was not going to go down without a fight. The sky was hers.

She was a passionate lover, she wanted to embrace the only ANGEL who ever showered LOVE even if it is in form seen unseen. As she slid through the window, her legs wobbled and suddenly, someone screamed. Was that her own voice? Why did it suddenly ache so much. 

 

She opened her eyes to find herself lost in a forlorn road, all alone lying on the stone cobbled place. The clouds floated higher above and it seems the ANGEL GUIDE once again flew..But, this time it was the ROCKS. She will stay strong like them and one day FIND WHO SHE TRULY IS. May be, her memory will come back and may be, she would know what her name is.. may be, she would find her parents and may be, she would KISS the RED SKY. For now, she sat on the ROCKS and kissed her lonely tears away.

 

A part of Sunday Photo Fiction hosted here

Love Happens And Stays

A part of Sunday Photo fiction hosted HERE

I looked 

You smiled

I smiled

You looked

We kept

Glancing..

Whispering

In words

That others

Couldn’t hear

I looked 

You smiled

I smiled

You looked

We walked

Together

For miles

Endless

Unaware of the roads,

We went on

And on

Until we reached

The place

Where there was 

Nothing ahead

I looked 

You smiled

I smiled

You looked

I said

You repeated.

We knew

What it meant

Together

Till the VERY END

And BEYOND

And we stayed

Right there

The sun rose

High Above 

The Mist spread

Everywhere

We looked at 

The horizon

And smiled

Our smiles

LOVE HAPPENS

Even when you don’t want to

LOVE STAYS

FOREVER

P.S. It isn’t the most graceful piece I have written but somehow this is what came from the pen as I saw the picture.. it felt like there were two people looking not at the sky and horizon but at the certainty of the uncertain future.

The Choices We Make

For the first time, I am participating in Sunday Photo fiction, hosted here. I am very bad at understanding rules, so I may or may not have messed it, but it’s alright, I will ask and I know I will get the right guide, should I have done the prompt wrongly or missed a few rules. Once I am all sorted, I am going to do it every week. The picture belongs to Al Forbes and he knows how much I LOVE writing on his pictures. The big deal about this prompt- UNDER 200 words.. My hellos generally last a hundred words, so it was good to exercise a little.

You know there are moments where we just see more than others. For you, it may be another sun.. For me, the redness of the morning sky may tell a tale of LOVE.. I just could hear untold stories, see unseen things and I do not know if that is a curse or blessing.

I was having pensive thoughts these days. I had no idea where my life is heading. “Quit”, suddenly the word made so much sense. It looked hugely inviting.
YES, tiredness was fatal. Just as I hurriedly jumped off my bed to get the knife which would easily slid in the wrists and leave me red, I hit the water glass lying on my table.

The water rose high, danced, cried and then laughed. Didn’t spill, didn’t quit. We make our own choices. God guides always. The knife still sits in the cupboard and “quit”, what the heck the word ever means?

If the water could defy my murderous onslaught, I can ALWAYS fight depressing thoughts. I chose to LIVE.

Life is the choices we make.