The Epilogue

“Why are you so quiet??”

“I don’t know.”

“I miss the sound of your smile”

“But, you’ve never heard me speak.”

“That doesn’t matters. I can tell you how it is.”

“How?”

“Just like mine.”

“But, I’ve never heard you speak, let alone laugh”

“Exactly, that’s my point”

“Sometimes, I don’t get you, Am I dumb or are you over-smart?”

“I am the part of you, you’re scared to admit exists. You’ve not met me, seen me, heard me, but think of it as how we’re connected in another space. I can bet, this isn’t our  first interaction. We’ve shared smiles, tears, laughs and even cries in another lifetime. This life is the epilogue of the story we barely finished last time.”

“so, we are going to have a happy end, this time?”

“I wish darling, but sadly, you, dear seem to have read just one segment of romance; there are stories that are so romantic that you fall in love with them but the epilogues, it can break a heart. The only way to know how our epilogue would be is to know the story we’ve already lived”

“You know everything, You must know that?”

“I think we lived a mysterious love story with a tragic epilogue, but you know what?”

“yes, I know”

“what?”

“We’ll have a sequel”

“EXACTLY.”

“Another lifetime”

“Another lifetime” 

the truth

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Once Upon A Time

Like all clichés, this too will begin with “Once upon a time”

Because once upon a time, there was a little girl who was big. She was big to the world, approaching her 24th birthday. For the world, 24 is just a number but for her, it was huge. Not because she was special and she had a grand party waiting to happen but because it marked the realization that the big world wanted the little girl to be big which she didn’t want to happen.

But, the day came and went. Nothing spectacular about it. No angels, no demons, however, the furor started after the big day. The waves of change had started rolling and some of them gave her a high that the most potent drugs couldn’t. There were days where her cheeks really did ache with her own smile and she looked at her reflection and murmured, “God, you really did brew this story for me? You’re my favorite writer.” But, these days were too often interlaced with the ones where she crawled into her big bed and cried under her own yellow blanket. Wasn’t yellow supposed to be a happy shade that drives away depression? Why then it failed to work for her? She wore yellow dress, she painted her room yellow. Heck, she even put on yellow nail paint and she would have dyed her hair yellow too, if it weren’t for the dreadful meeting with the strange boy who might turn out be the lifelong partner, she may have to stay with. [Those who don’t know, arrange marriage is a pious deed; all “good girls” are supposed to commit]

No, yellow is just a color and does nothing to elevate your mind. False are all the theories because if there is anything that truly makes you happy, you will always need a person and not a thing. Sadly, her own world had made her a thing and she felt like the person inside of her who had too many questions, who wore silliness on her sleeves, who laughed more often than she smiled, who sang even when she was tone deaf, who cried when her loved ones cried… all these happy traits were slowly ebbing away into nothingness.

She didn’t want to meet this unknown man who came out of nowhere to wreck the smoothness with which her boat was sailing. What if they are not compatible, what if she could never trust hum like she had already trusted another person? What if he could never see the storm beneath the calm sea? What if she could never forget that one fling who was not a fling but a lot more?

So many question and one single mind. It was too much to take and so she tumbled, down and down again. There was absolutely no yellow left in her life but for that one person who knew the right things to say because even in his silence, he made all the sense.

Yet, life, they say, is too often a bitch that wears too high heels and has the attitude of the one who hears to none. So, she met the guy. No sparks were lit, no chemistry was there but it was good. Like two people who could have been friends if they were in college. Full stop. She was scared. The big girl of the big world was still little in such matters because she had no say. Such things were decided by big men of the big world but wasn’t it her life? Wasn’t she supposed to at least nod or agree or scream or hurl abuse?

What if she had cringed at his really hopeless way of trying to impress her with a knowledge that was actually false? What if he had tried to put on a facade through which she could see that he was oh so terribly wrong all the way? She had seen but she didn’t speak any of it because if the guy said yes, it was a yes. No question asked, no answers offered.

He told no and once again, she screamed, happy as ever after, the stars shined in her sky as they made their own constellations. She had never felt so contented in her life before and she even thanked the guy with all her big fat red heart. Do you know why? Because it was this random guy who failed to impress her or captivate her heart at all that made her realize how much she already loved another guy who she might never meet, who she thought didn’t love her the way she loved him, who she thought was never completely his, who she thought was too perfect for her.

But, it was this storm in her calm blue sea that made her see that sometimes rain and sunshine meets and when they do, a rainbow is made. She is not pretty, she will never be, but that doesn’t means she can’t have beautiful things in her fate. Yes, God loved her and don’t we say, people do all kind of silly things in love. Her God gave her, her miracle; only this time, the miracle wasn’t a thing; it was a person. Yes, miracles are not real and so the guy was not hers to stay forever, but did she regret that? YES and a NO.

Yes, because she had vowed never to say no when it came to thoughts of him and no because regardless of how small their “forever” is, they made their forever theirs.

Yes, there are days when her little mind is muddled with too many questions and she wants assurances of love because she is scared that one fine day, a pretty girl will stroll along and take the rainbow from her sky or another mysterious guy would pop in and the rain will dissipate. But, until the story disrupts, she knows. She is collecting every single piece of memory and writing it down in her journal so that on those sunny days, when you feel no love, when the world is so distant that you seem a hundred miles away from your own heart; she will open the pages of her journals, sniff the memories and hug them close… because if there’s one thing no one can change, not the stars, not the moon, not even her own God; it is that

FOR THAT ONE DAY, SHE KNEW HE LOVED HER MORE THAN SHE HAD EVER LOVED HIM.

Sometimes it takes a fear of the end to know how much you love the chapter you are on. She will never close the book she is reading because even if he shuts down his whole world and keeps her out, she knows that for one moment of love, she could die a million times over and over again. Their time together is short and she will hold on to every single piece of forever, for times even longer than forever.

Love amazes me. Their once upon a time still sails.. so far, so good.

infinity

Her Heart – His Heart

“My heart is yours now”

 

Five words and an eternity of happiness.

She looked at those five words for the umpteenth time and smiled yet again. Some messages are more powerful than others. 

She looked up at the sky and whispered

God, I don’t know what is written in my tomorrow, but all I know is I am not going to be with the guy, I so deeply love. But, I still want to thank you for bringing him to my life because if it weren’t for him, I would never know what love feels like. Falling in love with my husband is something I am supposed to do, but falling in love with someone I knew was out of my league feels like 

A feast for the hungry

A victory for the lost

A ray of hope for the desolate.

I sometimes cannot believe my own luck and the amount of love I am capable of. It all looks even better than the endless romantic books I’ve read.”

Regardless of the roads we take and how divergent they may be, a part of her heart is always going to be his because she never returned gifts EVER.

Some stories are different, like everyone else.

Two hearts were exchanged and love happened all over again.

God smiled and the stars; well they did shine.

infinity

Star Dust

“When your world is enveloped in darkness, cling on to that single bright star that is your light because sometimes the memories you make in your “NOW” will stand by you in the darkness of your “tomorrow”.”

“But, what happens when the star too fades away?”

“If the star really belonged to your sky, it will forever shine; in the darkest of nights and the terrible of times”

“But, why can’t it stay with me?”

“Because the star belongs to the sky and you, like the dust, were always meant to be on this land. Poetry and verse don’t collide, yet on those rare occasions when they intertwine, the symphony puts the most beautiful music to shame.”

 

star dust

The Smell Told A Story – From Calcutta To Darjeeling

Some journeys are just journeys, while others become a part of your everlasting memory.

I have been thankful enough to have one of those journeys that always manage to bring a teasing smile on my lips, every time I think of it. Today, I will tell this tale and let the nostalgia and love wash over me as I will recollect my experience of that one morning which made me realize a lot of things and really did change my life.

~~~

I woke up to the sound of the splattering drops of rainfall and instantly, I found myself smiling. I am a pluviophile and the smell of rain does things to my mind and heart which defies a lot of biology. However, I was amazed at the person and thoughts that came to me when I opened my eyes.

rain

As I stood near my window and took in the smell of the wet soil of the rain, I recalled that one walk with my best friend on Park Street. Time has a way of altering things. She used to be my best friend and there was hardly a day when we didn’t speak to each other. We were inseparable and shared everything under the moon.

A lot of people believe that if you walk hand in hand in Park Street (A place in Calcutta, India) and talk of the things you really love with one of your closest friend, you’re likely to fall in love. Now, we weren’t romantically involved, but there was something that felt different that day. I still remember how I had peered into her eyes and she had blushed.

“Aksh, stop doing that.” she murmured, but I knew she never meant the words. She wanted me to look like that and may be even deeper. We definitely had a lot of chemistry but none of us spoke because of the fear that it would ruin our friendship. However, on that day, walking with hands entwined, on the romantic side tracks of Park Street, with happiness bubbling our hearts, I knew the moment was perfect. I had never felt so completely alive.

Sure, there were a lot of girls. I have been in and out of relationships and that too on too many occasions, but somehow, I felt like every single nerve end was on fire. I wanted the moment to freeze forever and stay in it. I didn’t know how and when and what and why happened but I blurted out

I love you, Shiara. I think I’ve been in love with you ever since the day I saw you singing in that horrible voice which would make frogs deaf. I know it isn’t the most romantic thing to say when you are confessing our love but getting drenched in this rain, this is the best I could come up with. I don’t write fancy poetries like you. I am not a literature lover. Heck, I never could like Shakespeare, but Shiara, you complete me in a way the rain completes the smell of the soil. I have seen the flashes of love in your eyes and I know you won’t say no and yes, this is my ego, but baby, we have always been more than friends.”

She stared at me for what started looking like eternity and just murmured, “You found me when I was so lost that I felt I never existed. You found me when I thought I was meant for oblivion. I can’t imagine a life without you, but love is a very strong word. I want to fall in love when I am sure that it’s love. I don’t want missed chances, regrets and what ifs; especially with us. You know I can’t stay a day without you. So, I don’t want to mess it up. If we’re meant to be, we will be; just like this smell of the wet soil is meant to be with the rain.”

park street

I was hurt, happy, puzzled, broken. I don’t know. I felt a mixture of different feelings. We stayed friends like good friends do. Yes, it was a little awkward and it kept getting worse. We branched apart slowly and steadily. Its three years now since the romantic walk down Park Street and she has now ventured on with her life back in Calcutta, while I moved to Darjeeling for a project assignment. We hardly meet and are not really in touch except for reunions. There are no hard feelings but a big wall of regrets between us.

Today, as the rain fell down, I was caught in the nostalgia of the memories. Despite the fact that it didn’t work out, it still remains one of the best memories I had of all time. The smell of the wet soil is not merely a smell, it brings back the moments we shared and that sole romantic moment with Shiara, who will forever be the love of my life.

 As I was recollecting these memories, I had a knock at my door. I hated the disturbance because it broke my reverie, the only good reverie I had in a long long time. With tousled hair and looking probably like a total moron, I opened the door to find Shiara standing there.

“Yesterday, I was walking down Park Street and it was raining.”

“And” I waited for her to complete the sentence but when she didn’t, I had to put the “and” there.

“Don’t be such a jerk Akshu”.

How my heart flipped and bumped. Akshu. She was the only one to call me that and she only did when she was overjoyed and loved me.

I love you. I loved you since the day you pointed out that I should never sing, I loved you when you out that big Rick down after he ridiculed me. I loved you when you stole glances at me in the biology class. I loved you when you told you love me while we were walking in Park Street and I loved you when I was walking alone yesterday with empty fingers and no one to complete their rhythm. Take me back, will you? Or do you have another girl with you?

I looked at her. She had coloured her hair a bright shade of red. Yes, she had put on some extra weight too which only made her face look fuller.

I just told

“Shiara, you’ve grown fat.”

She gave me her signature look and then made puppy faces as if she was so hurt.

“But,” I told

“But…”, she repeated.

But, I love you baby.

I always had and I always will.

It’s raining again.

The soil smells of the rains.

The story that started in Park Street finished all the way up to Darjeeling.

You know I was thinking of you right now.”

“Psychic, you”

“Gorgeous, you”

“I am not pretty”

“You always were to me, but”

“But?”

“Don’t sing please: P”

“Dork”

“Okay let’s sing together”

“No way”

“Please. Let’s raise a toast to our love”

And then it rained like it never rained before

And we sang together and danced and waltzed until we were completely drenched not just with rain but our love too.

The smell of the wet soil is so much more than just a smell. It is like the wedding ring we still haven’t exchanged. It is the smell of the love story that took three years and a lot of painful nights to complete. It is the serendipity that remains the best thing to have ever happened in my life. It is what made “I” and “you” as “we”.

It is my very own love story.

sometimes

 

Note: This post is a part of Inspire A Fragrance contest by Godrej in association with Indiblogger.

Contest link: http://www.godrejaer.com/

All images have been linked to source.

And Then She Fell Out Of Love

She was a fierce lover because she gave in the whole of her. She kept no secrets, she hid nothing, she bared it all, but she had no clue that it was the exact way which would bring her the most hurt

 

For so long, she had believed that love would make the world go round. Little did she know that too much of going round would make her dizzy, the kinda dizzy where she would end up sick and puking all the time.

 fall out f love

She was her own curse. She had sabotaged her own happy story because she finally learnt how to fall out of love. Oh, it hurt, she felt like she was ripping apart her own heart. Every second she died a gruesome death. How many times she had practiced her goodbye speech and yet, it was one smile that made her go weak all over again.

She was a fool in love, but she was not going t hang on forever when she knew she was just another option, a page in his book. Yes, he will always be the big book that she is going to clutch so hard that her fingers will bleed from the pain, but that didn’t mean she was incapable of letting go.

 

She will let go because today, she is learning how to fall OUT of LOVE. It is  not easy. If falling in love is hard, falling out of love will asphyxiate her, but that does not means she won’t do it. what has been easy for her in life? Life was never going to be easy and just like always, she will once again sew back her heart. The patches of blood will ooze from the sewn bandages and the eyes are not going to turn dry, but she will fall out of love.

She knows LOVE is hard, bu she will walk till the very end for as long as it takes. She will find another star in her sky, but nothing will ever be like the one she had once met. Yet, she will fall out of love because love is never a one way walk.

 

Never give someone so much power that he starts defining your happiness. May be, she had lost the battle. She had eight goodbyes so far, but this is the ninth goodbye and now she will fall out of love.

 

Love is supposed to make you happy, not drown you in the sea of darkness. 

“Let us fall out of love, please God, I need you more than ever now. Help me let go and become the skeleton I’ve always despised. I never thought my end would be like this, but then I never knew a thing about it either. Thank you for whatever you had planned for me and thank you for helping me fall out of love”, she prayed.

Just then, she received a call,

“I’ve missed you so bad, love”

And she smiled despite herself. So much for letting go. So much for falling out of love. But, all she told…..

 

She Killed With Her Goodbyes

~~In the shoes of women who are too broken to ever mend.. love which doesn’t stays.. stories that never complete and dreams that turn nightmare.~~

 love

Nothing could convince her because her own heart was her biggest enemy. She looked at herself in the mirror more times than she should. Every time she did, all she saw was the flaws. She has been called pretty, but which human didn’t lie.

 

There was nothing, absolutely nothing remarkable about her and she had learnt not to trust… never trust the ones who called you pretty but couldn’t prove it. Some people are not born to be pretty, some people are born to just fulfill their part in someone else’s story.

 

No, she had to stop thinking all of this. She woke up with a strong determination not to let someone else become the reason for how the day went. She will rule the world on her own terms, at least her own world, if not the entire kingdom. However, all the 3 o clock resolve, all the 2 o clock sleepless night determination, once again melted in a pool of nothingness as the memories of her sweet yesterday washed over her.

 

WHY?

Why was it so hard to believe that her love would last?

Why was it so hard to believe that someone could see beyond the ordinary?

Why was it so hard to pretend that she was smiling?

Why did she question even the things that were answers?

Why did it hurt to feel incomplete?

 

Perhaps, she was meant to be like this. she would have insecurities even if she were pretty. Some people are destined to have their life chained in questions that shall forever be unanswered. She will have to learn to let go.. let go either of the insecurities and cherish the now which could be her brand of forever or let go of the love that was eating her up like cocaine.. she died a little every time she got high.

The choice had to be made. but what did she pick?

Could she even pick? That was the problem. She took, she never picked. She fell with the flow because she was never strong enough to stand for her own. 

One day she will leave but she will leave after instilling so many memories that no matter where you go, she will haunt you. She will be the worst nightmare in your most beautiful dream because the cocaine which kills is also the drug that haunts.

 

She was having her final goodbye today and she would be the worst goodbye you ever had. Her goodbye will wreck your hello’s. The sound of her smile shall drown your tears. You’ve let her down, she didn’t cry, but now when she will let you down, you will realize that every time you did what she did to you, she died a hundred times and more.

 

She will leave today and when she does, you will look for her but she was never going to come back. Her hello was always a goodbye, but her goodbye will never be another hello. She came to love, but she went to destroy you.

 

Never hurt a girl who loved you because when they leave, they damage you in ways even God shudders to explain. They will slice your heart and you won’t even know how. Don’t love me, she had whispered and he didn’t. However, he had smiled and told he did. She had thanked him but never believed he did because how could she when she knew he never had ONE reason to be in love.

 

She was a disaster waiting to happen and she happened, but sadly the disaster was HE and the storm was SHE. She came, conquered and moved away. He stayed, witnessed and was lost. She is more powerful than you will ever know. Don’t burn her, don’t fool her.. you will never come out safe. She is simply tearing you apart and you’re a fool not to know it.

 

She loved you, she did but when she waved her goodbye, she knew you were never hers. You’ve never been and you will never be.  She wasn’t meant to be someone’s. She came to hurt and she did.

 

Some storms are meant to kill, she was the cocaine she was having. She was a poison. She killed the part of her that made her alive. She killed with goodbyes.

 life

 

P.S. Partly inspired by the characters in White Oleander.