~~In shoes that resemble my own.. an insecure girl too scared to grow up~~
Disclaimer: I am probably going to regret this the moment I hit publish. However, there are days when it is words and words alone that seem to give you the cover which you have been desperately seeking.
I was talking to a certain someone and the words rung with me. It would perhaps ring with one and all.
Have you ever given thought to why we blog? Either we do it anonymously because we’re scared of being judged. However, most of us blog because we crave to belong. We seek solace in complete strangers whom we’ve never met but they begin to become an extremely important part of our life. However, if you are not unveiling your own self, are you doing justice to the love and friendship you get on your blog? You sugar coat a picture of who you are and make fancy rhymes and broken words, but if you are putting a false facade of lines that speak something and mean something else, where is the base of the friendship and love. What if all those people who have been in love with your poetry repulse at knowing the colours of your heart? Why not, get the reaction now?
I was forced to ponder at how much of me I have really unveiled. Do I let it go or should I at least try to shed some of the false mask I have so shamelessly worn.
Time to step down the pedestal and be brave, for a post.
I will talk of things, you do not know
I am both fire and snow
I am insecure, I often feel low
Even when there is happiness around
I feel like I am stuck in woe
I am moody, I am rash
I speak too fast
I either don’t love or I love too hard
I analyze things. Over analyze.
I cry a lot over spilled milk.
I do not believe
I do not agree.
I am not pretty, but I don’t feel ugly.
I am incomplete in my entirety.
Too many nights, I stay awake
I look at the stars as they fade
I remember every single word
Of all the people I have met
The ones who hated me
And the ones who fell in love
Be it a brother, a sister or mum
A dad, a friend or someone unknown
I recall the memories
That I made my own
This is what you must have already known. However, there are other secrets hidden beneath. I don’t believe the compliments. The rare moments when I do are the ones that are etched in my heart. I will doubt even the ones I love. I think they’re not what I think. I dream too much and even my eyes are open. I have cried with eyes open wide. I have wept too many times.
I will love you with all my heart, but I will never believe that you can love me back, with an intensity that will match mine. I feel I am one of those who were always meant to get less than what they can give. I will bug you day and night and later chide myself in my dream for suffocating the happiness out of your life.
I will remember the number of times, you speak of love, but on late nights at 2 o clock, I will recall the times when you shut yourself down even from me, when you failed to show me the scars. I remember, the times when I failed as a friend.. I remember the time when I lied to my dad. I remember the times when I hurt someone and then the tears fall and yet I repeat the cycle. ENDLESSLY.
I am not broken, but I was never full. I think of things that are not even dreams. I am not dead, but I have ever been alive. I will tire you out and one day, I will shut you down like the pages of the books we are too scared to open because you know once you do, the memories will strangulate you.
I am a mess, a wild forest… there are no gardens, no trees, and yet the forest is wild. Ever wondered what it is to go astray on a wild winter night amidst stars that do not shine. I feel like that too many times. I am a misfit, I’m disorganized. I can’t cook, I can’t sing I never dance, I am untamed, I am uncut and yet I bleed and yet I cry.
Too many nights,
Too many cries
Too many smiles
Too many words
I make up things in my dream
Speak my script
I have hurt the ones I loved
But no one ever saw
I couldn’t control
What I did
That is just
Who I am meant to be
I am learning
And yet I see the end
Would be the same as the start
Something never change
Some people stay the same
I will always be the
Insecure little girl
Too scared to grow
Too messed to be free
Too worried to speak
And yet I let the words bleed for me
Because may be, with all these flaws
May be, even after knowing how weird it is to be me… some puzzles are meant to fit… I will never make a beautiful picture… there will always be spilled inks, but maybe, just maybe, a picture doesn’t needs to be pretty. People like modern art where there is no person… the entirety of the image is what make it beautiful. May be, this mind and the forest and the wilderness is meant to be… the way it is.
I am, not merely a shade of pen… I am a layer of too many shades that I rubbed upon me in a hurry, hoping that they will blend, but in the end, I still am a mass of jumbled colours that never blended, never moulded… each shade is as distinct as it can be.., I shall forever be… Too many layers… too many colours… sometimes happy, sometimes sad for reasons I cannot decide.
I do not promise to be the sunshine, but like the moon, I shall try and shine when nights get dark and stars don’t smile.
However there will be days when I will be eclipsed… I shall wander all alone in the hope that a werewolf will hoot and even an eclipsed moon shall belong… for once and forever.
A large part of this is me… uncut… bleeding… I am not strong enough to tell all of it because in the end, we all are something we don’t want others to see. You would say, you won’t judge and you will not, but I will judge even the reactions you never gave because 2 o lock isn’t the best time to stay awake and I do it mostly every day.
I am not depressed, i am just claustrophobic for the words that I badly need to let out. May be, it helped. May be, it didn’t.