O! Illogical Love

~~In the shoes of a wilted unconditional love~~

A hundred letters between us

Thousand unspoken words

Growing distances everyday

Moments of heartfelt love

In between

A push followed by a pull

Smiles merged with tears of sorrow

Prayers and wishes mingled

With thoughts of how, why and what

Every night ends in questions

No morning brings the answers

A day passes into week

Weeks have turned into months

Before long, it will be a lifetime

Since we crossed paths

And suddenly, I will look back

To find you gone

What perturbs is that

I do not even know

If a tear will trickle down your cheek

At having lost someone who you once

Thought

Would forever remain with you

I was once the blooming flower

A paradise you craved to have

Today, I am the wilted rose

As you cradle with your thoughts

So preoccupied with new toys

That you forgot the one who 

Gave you the very first

Once called, Dearest Dad

I am now a forgotten name

My child, you’re now so grown

You do not know where I live

You have no clue if I breathe

I cry alone on lonely nights

And have no one to wipe

Still, I silently pray

That when your little kid grows

He sticks by you

Because, sometimes life comes back

To the same point from where you start

Never push away those who love

Before too long, you will find them gone

And the hurt heart will bleed

Harder than you can believe

Regrets could be a terrible thing

Trust me, I LIVE a DEATH every day

To be the wilted flower

In the paradise of my own garden

And still this little heart believes

One day,

You will come back to say

Dad, You’re sorely missed

Even if this be when I’m gone

My coffin will smile and it will rain

Because L.O.V.E. is the most

Illogical emotion ever felt

the cycle

Tomorrow’s Tomorrow

~~In the shoes of uncertainty because sometimes life is not promised and the fear to die is very high; even though things on the surface look fine~~

I’ve tried sketching the feeling of someone who is scared that her tomorrow may not see a tomorrow and how she wants to bare it all and is still afraid of saying too much because you are never sure of the end, until it ends.

ramblings

Nothing is promised

Not today and definitely not tomorrow.

If tomorrow never comes,

Remember; my today was good.

I’ve no regrets except for few.

I’ve loved, lived and loved some more.

I’ve laughed, cried and laughed some more.

I’ve hurt, been hurt and healed some more.

I’ve seen, felt and lived some more.

 

Yes, there are unsaid things;

Pretty secrets hidden in half lies.

Little complains sealed in love rhymes.

Incomplete wishes wrapped in thank you lines.

A desire for few more days,

Some more moments,

Much more memories

And a lot more answers.

 

Yet, I choose not to fret

Scared, I may be

But, a smile shall stay

Because

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

I got more than my share

 

Look out for the signs

The footprints I left behind

May be, there is more to say

May be, I am here to stay

But, a tomorrow is never promised

So, the moon smiles and the stars shine

And I sing my own lullaby.

Far away in some corners,

Some near, some too far

I send the love and share the smiles

Regardless of the length of life

Love lasts a lifetime

If my tomorrow has no tomorrow in fate

It will still be worth the wait

A life is to be measured by moments

Big, small, life changing and sad

I’ve had it all

A few more words I would have said

But, it all sums down in words only two

REMEMBER ME

Because, too often I thought

I am a forgotten

Remember me, for some days

And may be a little more

I might not shine like a star

But, keep me locked in your heart

Until someone comes along

And once again stirs the same old song 

 

If there’s more to this story;

I shall one day add to it

Because, books and stories 

Never lie

Because they live;

Even when people die.

You Started My Middle

~~In the shoes of a happy, contented lover. Ah, the shoes are dazzling, beautiful and RED~~

There are things we will never know because tomorrow is always a little too late. However, you gave me a today that is beautiful in ways no poetry can explain.

Even when we’re miles apart and the stars don’t shine anymore, I occasionally smile at the thoughts that my mind conjure and then I realize, how deep I’ve fallen and there’s no way back. For the first time, I whisper to myself, “I’m not scared of falling and so I tumble deeper.” There is no bottom and the fall keeps continuing. 

 good old times

Whoever told that “Love happens once in a lifetime” was perhaps never in love because if the love is true and sincere, you fall a little more in love every day, every moment, ever week and every month. You don’t need “dates” to have a “date”. Sometimes. it is the remembrance of THAT one compliment which lights up the night sky like no star ever could.

 

I’ve been too scared to love, but what I never knew is regardless of the way it ends, regardless of the lanes we walk, regardless of the things you feel, regardless of the fate we’ve sewn, regardless of the pain in store; the best memories of my life have already been lived. Sure there will be more; some will feature you, some won’t; but 

When I look back at my life and I’ve to paint the picture of what it was like, you would be THE rose that shall stand out because sometimes HAPPINESS HAPPENS. the picture would never be complete without you because

You started my middle and there never was an end.

Beauty

The Beautiful, Ugly And Forgotten

~~In the shoes of a girl who is NOT beautiful~~

Disclaimer: If you’re not feeling good, please refrain from reading this. This post is not going to be uplifting or inspiring or at east that is what I feel right now. May be, the footnote will have something else to say.

 

beautiful

 

“It’s alright, if you’re not pretty. Beauty is only skin deep. It’s the heart that counts. Beauty is temporary, it fades. The inner beauty of your heart is what truly stays.”

 

YEAH, some of the best and the most brilliant words, but isn’t it ironical that all the times I’ve heard this line, the people who told these have always been MIRROR SMASHING PRETTY. It’s a privilege to be beautiful and this is why beautiful people can walk away with beautiful phrases like this beauty I just quoted and expect the “forgotten averages” to feel “beautiful” . Seriously, isn’t it like the biggest bleeping oxymoron?

 

 

I am not always so shitty and bitchy, but I never appreciate a beautiful person asking a non beautiful person to feel alright even if they’re not beautiful. Everyone at the bottom of their heart craves beauty. When you find someone looking at you like you’re the best piece of art they’ve ever witnessed, you feel  ALIVE in every sense of the word. However. this type of feeling doesn’t stays forever. Sooner rather than later, you will fall in a groove where the once electrifying look shall appear normal to you.

 

 

However, when an averagely alright girl with a forgotten face contour is made to feel beautiful, she remembers the moment. No, not just the moment, she remembers the date, the event that took place before it, the situation the exact words, the after events, the feeling, how long it lasted and above all, the sincerity.

 

I have only believed in being beautiful on those rare moments when sincerity dripped from the words of the ones who told. Even when I had loved the people with all my heart I seldom believe in being beautiful. I never understood why some girl are prettier than others, why some girls are fatter than others. Heck, not just girls, it goes for boys too, But girls need to live up to the beauty tag.

 

 

I am not ugly, but being beautiful.. heck it was not to be and shall not be. If i were pretty, I would not question those who love me. If I were pretty, I would not stay awake at 2 in the night questioning myself. If I were pretty, I would never wonder if my story is going to meet its end. If I were pretty, I would never look at pretty girls and sigh at the difference. If I were pretty, I would not have to convince myself that fairy tales could also be for forgotten. If I were pretty, I would never be scared of being forgotten.

 

 

Right when I wonder all this, I murmur, may be, even if I was pretty, I would still be wondering all of this because pretty girls do not get it all. Pretty girls live with broken heart too. Pretty girls too ruin their mascaras, pretty girls too stay awake in the night.

 

The thing is we hardly believe ourselves to be pretty. It takes a person to make you feel beautiful. I might not be beautiful, but I will try and make someone else feel so. May be, that’s what being beautiful is all about 🙂

 

She Killed With Her Goodbyes

~~In the shoes of women who are too broken to ever mend.. love which doesn’t stays.. stories that never complete and dreams that turn nightmare.~~

 love

Nothing could convince her because her own heart was her biggest enemy. She looked at herself in the mirror more times than she should. Every time she did, all she saw was the flaws. She has been called pretty, but which human didn’t lie.

 

There was nothing, absolutely nothing remarkable about her and she had learnt not to trust… never trust the ones who called you pretty but couldn’t prove it. Some people are not born to be pretty, some people are born to just fulfill their part in someone else’s story.

 

No, she had to stop thinking all of this. She woke up with a strong determination not to let someone else become the reason for how the day went. She will rule the world on her own terms, at least her own world, if not the entire kingdom. However, all the 3 o clock resolve, all the 2 o clock sleepless night determination, once again melted in a pool of nothingness as the memories of her sweet yesterday washed over her.

 

WHY?

Why was it so hard to believe that her love would last?

Why was it so hard to believe that someone could see beyond the ordinary?

Why was it so hard to pretend that she was smiling?

Why did she question even the things that were answers?

Why did it hurt to feel incomplete?

 

Perhaps, she was meant to be like this. she would have insecurities even if she were pretty. Some people are destined to have their life chained in questions that shall forever be unanswered. She will have to learn to let go.. let go either of the insecurities and cherish the now which could be her brand of forever or let go of the love that was eating her up like cocaine.. she died a little every time she got high.

The choice had to be made. but what did she pick?

Could she even pick? That was the problem. She took, she never picked. She fell with the flow because she was never strong enough to stand for her own. 

One day she will leave but she will leave after instilling so many memories that no matter where you go, she will haunt you. She will be the worst nightmare in your most beautiful dream because the cocaine which kills is also the drug that haunts.

 

She was having her final goodbye today and she would be the worst goodbye you ever had. Her goodbye will wreck your hello’s. The sound of her smile shall drown your tears. You’ve let her down, she didn’t cry, but now when she will let you down, you will realize that every time you did what she did to you, she died a hundred times and more.

 

She will leave today and when she does, you will look for her but she was never going to come back. Her hello was always a goodbye, but her goodbye will never be another hello. She came to love, but she went to destroy you.

 

Never hurt a girl who loved you because when they leave, they damage you in ways even God shudders to explain. They will slice your heart and you won’t even know how. Don’t love me, she had whispered and he didn’t. However, he had smiled and told he did. She had thanked him but never believed he did because how could she when she knew he never had ONE reason to be in love.

 

She was a disaster waiting to happen and she happened, but sadly the disaster was HE and the storm was SHE. She came, conquered and moved away. He stayed, witnessed and was lost. She is more powerful than you will ever know. Don’t burn her, don’t fool her.. you will never come out safe. She is simply tearing you apart and you’re a fool not to know it.

 

She loved you, she did but when she waved her goodbye, she knew you were never hers. You’ve never been and you will never be.  She wasn’t meant to be someone’s. She came to hurt and she did.

 

Some storms are meant to kill, she was the cocaine she was having. She was a poison. She killed the part of her that made her alive. She killed with goodbyes.

 life

 

P.S. Partly inspired by the characters in White Oleander.

‘Coz Enough Is Never Enough

~~In the shoes of the feeling, the world labels as “NOT ENOUGH” ~~

Do you ever get the type of feeling where you begin to suspect that people treat you as things, objects rather than people?

How do you deal with that? No matter, how much you try, no matter how much you are trying hard to blend in, the thing remains that too many times, we feel that Enough Is Never Enough.

Why is it so? Why do people think that Enough Is Never Enough? 

Why are we made to feel like a thing? 

You lost five pounds and you now crave to have a chocolate in the middle of he night. Can you have it? No. Why? Because you want to shed another three pounds, as Enough Is Never Enough

enough is never enough

You’ve been  told “I love you too” a total of thirty three times in a span of three days, but somehow you’re still suspecting if you’re good enough to deserve the love you have. Why do you question so? Answer: Because Enough Is Never Enough

 

It is humane of us to believe that Enough Is Never Enough, Enough Will Never Be Enough

Is there a way out of this? How do you ever feel enough?

Why don’t I believe the words?

Why do I smile at the stars?

Why do I stay awake?

Why do I imagine things

That will never be true?

Why do I feel like a misfit?

Why am I thinking all this?

Why is enough never enough?

Why can’t I be pleased with “enough”?

Why don’t you answer me back?

Why am I getting insane?

Why does the heart suffocate?

Why are the eyes turning so hard?

Why is the lungs so full

And the breathe so hard to take?

 enough is never enough

Trust me, when life gives you happiness to hold, Latch on to it with both your hands because very soon you will feel, Enough Is Never Enough. Life isn’t always a fancy pack of roses and even if there are roses, they come with thorns and thorns prick and they make you bleed. When happiness comes knocking, make sure to lock all doors so that it stays for as long as it can because soon enough, Enough Is Never Enough.

 

Speak of your love and ask them to express back because very soon you will feel Enough Is Never Enough. You know they love you, but everytime your love isn’t reciprocated, a part of your red heart dies a silent death. So, the time when your love murmurs back, “love you too”, Fall in love with the moment, seize it, memorize it, remember the motion of the clock, the exact seconds, the color of clothes you are wearing, the ways your hand was resting, the colors that painted your cheek because soon enough, Enough Is Never Enough.

 

Don’t care if you eat three more chocolates and gain five more pounds because no matter how many pounds you lose, very soon you will feel Enough Is Never Enough. Stay the way you are, the extra pounds will not make you proud, but you will never have to question if it’s enough because you will always be more than ENOUGH.

 

Don’t put that extra layer of make up to hide the scars that dot your face because very soon you will feel that Enough Is Never Enough. Let your scars show because if someone will love you With the scars, even the scarred moments of love will be enough. 

 

It takes time to believe in yourself

Especially when you feel you’re not enough

It is hard to be a person

When the world treats you as a thing

It is hard to reflect the love of the moon

When the stars don’t shine at 2 in the night

It is tough to smile like you mean it

When the tears refuse to run dry

It is so hard to patch your heart

When all it does is bleed

How I wish someone could make me believe

That even when I think Enough Is Never Enough

Some days, I will be enough

To complete the song that is unsung

To finish the lyrics that were never written

To be the smile that has already died

To unearth the secrets that we never speak

May be, just may be,

I will have enough to know

That Enough could for once be Enough.

enough is never enough

 

 

Bleeding – Uncut

~~In shoes that resemble my own.. an insecure girl too scared to grow up~~

Disclaimer: I am probably going to regret this the moment I hit publish. However, there are days when it is words and words alone that seem to give you the cover which you have been desperately seeking.

Why uncut?

I was talking to a certain someone and the words rung with me. It would perhaps ring with one and all.

Have you ever given thought to why we blog? Either we do it anonymously because we’re scared of being judged. However, most of us blog because we crave to belong. We seek solace in complete strangers whom we’ve never met but they begin to become an extremely important part of our life. However, if you are not unveiling your own self, are you doing justice to the love and friendship you get on your blog? You sugar coat a picture of who you are and make fancy rhymes and broken words, but if you are putting a false facade of lines that speak something and mean something else, where is the base of the friendship and love. What if all those people who have been in love with your poetry repulse at knowing the colours of your heart? Why not, get the reaction now?

I was forced to ponder at how much of me I have really unveiled. Do I let it go or should I at least try to shed some of the false mask I have so shamelessly worn.

Time to step down the pedestal and be brave, for a post.

I will talk of things, you do not know

I am both fire and snow

I am insecure, I often feel low

Even when there is happiness around

I feel like I am stuck in woe

I am moody, I am rash

I speak too fast

I either don’t love or I love too hard

I analyze things. Over analyze.

I cry a lot over spilled milk.

I do not believe

I do not agree.

I am not pretty, but I don’t feel ugly.

I am incomplete in my entirety.

 Too many nights, I stay awake

I look at the stars as they fade

I remember every single word

Of all the people I have met

The ones who hated me 

And the ones who fell in love

Be it a brother, a sister or mum

A dad, a friend or someone unknown

I recall the memories 

That I made my own

~~

 

This is what you must have already known. However, there are other secrets hidden beneath. I don’t believe the compliments. The rare moments when I do are the ones that are etched in my heart. I will doubt even the ones I love. I think they’re not what I think. I dream too much and even my eyes are open. I have cried with eyes open wide. I have wept too many times.

I will love you with all my heart, but I will never believe that you can love me back, with an intensity that will match mine. I feel I am one of those who were always meant to get less than what they can give. I will bug you day and night and later chide myself in my dream for suffocating the happiness out of your life.

I will remember the number of times, you speak of love, but on late nights at 2 o clock, I will recall the times when you shut yourself down even from me, when you failed to show me the scars. I remember, the times when I failed as a friend.. I remember the time when I lied to my dad. I remember the times when I hurt someone and then the tears fall and yet I repeat the cycle. ENDLESSLY.

I am not broken, but I was never full. I think of things that are not even dreams. I am not dead, but I have ever been alive. I will tire you out and one day, I will shut you down like the pages of the books we are too scared to open because you know once you do, the memories will strangulate you.

 

I am a mess, a wild forest… there are no gardens, no trees, and yet the forest is wild. Ever wondered what it is to go astray on a wild winter night amidst stars that do not shine. I feel like that too many times. I am a misfit, I’m disorganized. I can’t cook, I can’t sing I never dance, I am untamed, I am uncut and yet I bleed and yet I cry.

 

Too many nights,

Too many cries

Too many smiles

Too many words

I make up things in my dream

Speak my script

I have hurt the ones I loved

But no one ever saw

I couldn’t control

What I did

Because

That is just

Who I am meant to be

I am learning

Trying

Hard

Harder still

And yet I see the end

Would be the same as the start

Something never change

Some people stay the same

I will always be the

Insecure little girl

Too scared to grow

Too messed to be free

Too worried to speak

And yet I let the words bleed for me

Because may be, with all these flaws

May be, even after knowing how weird it is to be me… some puzzles are meant to fit… I will never make a beautiful picture… there will always be spilled inks, but maybe, just maybe, a picture doesn’t needs to be pretty. People like modern art where there is no person… the entirety of the image is what make it beautiful. May be, this mind and the forest and the wilderness is meant to be… the way it is.

I am, not merely a shade of pen… I am a layer of too many shades that I rubbed upon me in a hurry, hoping that they will blend, but in the end, I still am a mass of jumbled colours that never blended, never moulded… each shade is as distinct as it can be.., I shall forever be… Too many layers… too many colours… sometimes happy, sometimes sad for reasons I cannot decide.

 

 I do not promise to be the sunshine, but like the moon, I shall try and shine when nights get dark and stars don’t smile.

 

However there will be days when I will be eclipsed… I shall wander all alone in the hope that a werewolf will hoot and even an eclipsed moon shall belong… for once and forever.

 

A large part of this is me… uncut… bleeding… I am not strong enough to tell all of it because in the end, we all are something we don’t want others to see. You would say, you won’t judge and you will not, but I will judge even the reactions you never gave because 2 o lock isn’t the best time to stay awake and I do it mostly every day.

 

 I am not depressed, i am just claustrophobic for the words that I badly need to let out. May be, it helped. May be, it didn’t. stalking