Unseen Pages Of My Diary

dear diary

Dear Diary,

I know it is hard to be with me, to bear the swinging thoughts of my tormenting mind, but do you trust me when I say it’s even harder to be me?

When I see the mirror, I don’t just see a figure. I can see the smiling toothless face of a little kid who often shielded her eyes to escape reality, who didn’t speak much but laughed like a lunatic.
But, this isn’t all I see. I see the me I am today, a big giant mess of uncertainty. Oh yes, I am sure of too many things, what I feel, the ones I need, the big dreams, but I see the mess of how things don’t go anywhere. I also see a silhouette that speaks of my tomorrow and to be true, it scares me.

So much has changed and I can’t change more. I love habits and unlike most people, they don’t leave. I have seen people grow fond of me, the way I could effortlessly laugh, the way I would reach out even when they shut them down, but I have seen the same people leave. Some stay but barely so. The conversations thin down, the warmness dies. Formality creeps in and I often don’t answer the ‘hi’.

I see all of it and it makes me claustrophobic as to how is this mess going to survive.

I have never perhaps told before but dear diary, I want to thank you for sticking by. For absorbing the late night turbulent mind, for soaking the eyes that refuse to turn dry, for holding me tight when I oscillate with the breaking of bones inside, for not judging me even when I can sense too many questioning eyes.

I will lock all beautiful memories with you because if tomorrow, I see the mirror painting the broken shards, I know inside your pages, I will once again find the home where my happiness will always reside.

I miss the times when I just started to write. We were both new, fresh and young. You were happier to be with me, but just like people, I can sense how my pensiveness is making you sigh. One day, I promise I will write of how a diary loved me even when I refused to write.

Goodbye, diary.

I know you’ll miss me, the tantrums, the cries, the smiles, the whimsical mind because every time I write a goodbye, people realize that every heart in its own way shines.

May your dark pages illuminate someone’s night. As I type this up I smile because I just know that you will unfurl these pages, feel the warmth of my love, miss me with nostalgia and somehow find a way to unite. 

Yours,
The girl who refused to write.

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Letters To The Unknown You: Part 20||The Last Leg

letters to the unknown you

Dear Unknown You,

My last letter to you was dated August 4th which shows the kind of time that has passed. It’s been more than half a year and I do not know how much time still awaits. If you really do detest reading, you can now paint a smile on your face. This is the last letter of the series unless something happens and I end up writing more.

I myself do not really know what made me type this letter up after such a helluva long time. When I started this letter series, I didn’t know what I was going to share or where it would lead to. A lot has happened since the time I wrote my very first letter to you and if you’ve sincerely read it so far, you might already know a lot more about me than perhaps my mind sometimes knows about itself.

We’re not perfect; none of us are because if perfection existed, there would perhaps be too many people flocking for the rare breeds. Definitely, I would not be one of them because I’ve always been an ordinary flaw. Sometimes, I think if it is okay to be a flaw. You know, I’ve met a lot of people who don’t really know me and they often ask me what makes me so happy. It both saddens me and makes me happy because while I do wear a happy heart, I am often the reason for my own mood swings, which by the way can be too terrible. Methinks, it should not scare you now because some of the letters gave you a first hand account of what my moods are.

I do not know where we are headed or where we will stand or what we are going to be like or what it is going to feel like. Right now, there are more questions in my mind than words in the Oxford dictionary but perhaps, it will all fall in place. I trust God to give me the story I deserve because good or bad, stories always tell a tale.

Yes, there’re a lot of things you need to know as the clock plays tick and tock, we shall share more than just time. If there’s one thing I am sure of myself, it is the honesty which the heart shall wear. We all have secrets, don’t we? There’re things we all go through in life; not all can be shared, but I am sure, something will come of everything.

I might not be making much sense, but you need to know this is the true sense. Sometimes, it is being senseless and knowing that you carry no sense which makes people see the person you truly are. I’ve always craved for my yesterday, the comfort it gave, the moments I made. Maybe, tomorrow shall someday be the yesterday I would relive on a today.

Letters speak so much more than the words typed in them because there is a story behind every line, a hidden tear or a silent smile. By the time we will know each other, maybe, I shall no longer need to type it all up or may be I will do because I’ve never written anything for someone I didn’t want to.

My letters are a part of me, they show who I am, they bear not just my words, but the thoughts that make me smile and even the ones that create a dark rampage in my mind. Life is beautiful, all we need to do is see it with the right pair of eyes.

I may be a mess at times, but I know, I will sail because good or bad, it all passes away. Somehow, the sound of the clock sometimes suffocate me, the winds of change do unsettle me, but maybe, when the time comes, it shall all look the way it is supposed to.

There’s so much more to tell and share, but the time is still to come. This series is now bidding you a final adieu with the hope that you shall know me much more. I believe very strongly in Destiny, stars and fate and we will all get what we truly deserve. Yes, some stories do not end, some do not even start, some we concoct, some we merely imagine and some happen and end..  Regardless, every tale tells, lives and remains.

They say, we should serve the daintiest last to make the end most sweet. I do not know, what this is; an end or a start? Methinks, I’ve always been bad at this.. spotting the colors and so I often end up being a fool; imagining things a lot more than what they are, being a fool too many times, Believing in promises that were meant to break, chasing things I knew would never stay, but then God made me and I guess He had a reason to do so. I am working on learning to love the Brand of Me which I am and Oh there’re days where I am so peppy that happiness could be me. So, we’re going to have a lot of stories to share.

An endless myriad of tales

Sits inside this tiny heart

Questions galore

Answers, there seem to be none

Yet, I feign a smile

Because I know

All that begins must end

Just like every end

Shall kickstart another tale

Sometimes, the smile I wear

Is brighter than the northern star

Not pretty, but an ordinary face

Like a tiny snowflake

Often unnoticed,

I quietly observe

Making more of things

Than what they are

Not perfect, by a long shot

Swinging at extremes

And with a big fat heart

The mess I am

Is hard to handle

I do not know where we stand

But perhaps, we shall go too far

Because, even when there is

The Fault In The Stars

The story lives for that brief span

Which is a second for some

But a forever for others

I wear my heart on my sleeves

And I shall try and smile

Even if it feels too dark

Now, you know a lot

May you know some more

When our paths do cross

Let us share the smile

Who knows what shall happen with time!

It’s both a start and a goodbye!

Signing off for the last time in this series,

Much lovies,

Yours,

Shade

UNKNOWN ME.

[October 29th, 2013 – March 3rd, 2015]

A series that spanned One and a Half Year and documented so much more than just words. My moods, my stories, some incredible moments, some half tales, some dark days, some beautiful times!

Life is so much more than a boring show!

Letters To The Unknown You: Part 19

Dear Unknown You,

letters to the unknown you

I know I’ve been so erratic and I also know that this is the exact line with which I started my last letter 😛

I do not know if you’re happy with the gaps in my  letters or you’re sad. The thing is life is both good and bad. There are so many crests and troughs that I often do not understand my own voyage. However, if there is one thing that is certain; it has to be that I feel blessed.

I feel blessed for a lot of things, for meeting the right people, for having the right job, for making the best memories and knowing that when so many things have been right, I should not fret for a few wrongs.

As of good news, a couple of my stories are getting published. Yeah, it is a big deal for me, especially because one of them is particularly close to me and the other one was a dream come true as I wrote it with someone whose writings I have loved immensely and yes stalked shamelessly too. Further, on the work front, I got some excellent contracts at the moment and I am knee deep in work and still writing to you, so you must appreciate this letter. 😛

My main aim of this series was to let you know the wreck I could be and the awesomeness that comes along with me and I do not know how successful I’ve been.  I have been as true as I possibly could and I know that more than half of the 19 letters so far has shown me as depressed and hurt. However, what I want to let you know is that yes, I feel sad without a reason and there are days when you will be inclined to lock me in a  room and throw away the key so that you never have to deal with my hormones again. but then there are days when I am happy and I laugh like a waterfall and those are the days I believe when you will itch to find the key because happiness, I believe is a virtue that makes people happy.

Did I just beat my own trumpet? Yes, I did, but hey that’s a part of me too. I do not always like bragging, but sometimes I want to tell myself that I am good, better than good, better than best also may be and what is the harm in telling it out. If I demean others with my awesomeness, that is where the problem should begin. Right? okay, you can tell me that I am wrong. One of the best thing about me is that I will tell you sorry even when you are the one who is wrong. That is so not a GIRL thing to do right. I wonder if that’s the reason, some of my very good friends tell me DUDE 😛

This is one thing I thought to work upon but I have finally decided that it is probably a good thing rather than bad. Surely, it makes me a little more easy to be emotionally conquered, but then it’s okay to be so. I am letting you on one of my biggest secrets which you could exploit ruthlessly if you are a monster, but here I am hoping that you would be at least better than a monster 😛 (another revelation: I suck at humor, but I always think I am funny)

When I love, I will forgive you every single thing. When you wrong me, I will cry and I will feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff and how I would wish to dive, but all I would really do is turn back, recollect the times, you’ve been good to me, smile, say you sorry and hug you back.

When I love, I will not let go; even when you’re one of those pricks who bring me more tears than smiles.

When I love, I will stay by you even when you tell me to go away and let you be alone because I personally believe that it is when people ask us to let them be alone that they need your company the most.

When I love you, I will probably be the biggest emotional fool the world has ever seen because people say love is blind, but I am dumb, deaf, blind and a hundred more adjectives too.

I think when I love, I would never be strong enough to say a goodbye and this is something which does scare me a lot. I’ve tried, trust me I’ve tried too many times to change these habits because the world is a dangerous place and there are too many dark demons waiting to pounce but it looks like I have always believed in the saying that

A goodbye is just another hello and even so I love my hellos more than the goodbyes.

If I love you once, I love you forever.

I hope, I will love you.

My heart knows no undoing, regardless of what you turn out to be.

So, here you have – my biggest weakness or strength – whichever way you intend to put it and use it; right in front of you.

Chained in my own thoughts,

Much lovies

Yours,

Shade

Unknown You. 

Letters To The Unknown You: Part 18

letters to unknown you

Dear Unknown You,

I know I am very erratic in my letters and I have no excuse for the same. It’s not like you don’t get on my mind, but to be very honest, I think there’s still some time before we will meet and sometimes, a girl’s mind need to be by herself to clear the air.

I do not know how to put it but life, these days, looks puzzling to me. There are times when I am so happy that I feel that I am living a reverie and I shall wake up anytime. However, they are not dreams, they’re a part of my reality and this makes my life so happy that I can’t even express the feeling that makes my bubble grow so enormously big.

However, right the next day, I am sullen and sad and I don’t really know why. It is like I am analyzing every single thing and it is high time that I realize that my happiness should be my decision and I don’t want it to be based upon someone else, regardless of who the person and what the thing may be.

I am writing this letter to you with the hope that you will understand when I withdraw myself from my happy self and I am in my own cocoon, I expect you to understand and be there.. Trust me, those are the times when I really need someone to show me the light.. the type of light that promises to bring back the smile. The worst thing about being sad is not having a reason. I am not depressed, I am smiling, I am also happy just that the smile on my lips is not meeting up to my eyes and I do not really have a reason.

I know you may be complaining.. this girl writes only to me when she is not herself, but hey the purpose of this series is to let you take on a journey of how wrecked I am. It is to let you know that I won’t be the perfect princess people dream of. I am flawed, I’ve a lot of imperfections, I am sensitive and insensitive and I want you to know what you are getting into whenever that is going to happen.

 

Like always, I shall try and drown myself in verse because when even chocolate fails, somehow my words have been my loyal friend.

 

I was counting the night stars

When suddenly I fell in a  trance

How honest have I really been

How many secrets I do hold

The stars smiled back at me

l felt so alive at that time

Too many people we’ve met

Too many souls touch our lives

Some touch more than others do

I clutch close to some of them

Some memories mean so much more

How long it will last

I do not know

But, right now they’re all I have

And at times, Ig row so sad

Couldn’t I be a little sane

And stay happy with who I am

I am tired of the alternating lanes

Sandwiched between ecstatic and sad

It looks like, I am on a trail

Walking alone and looking back

Unaware of where to head

I simply march along

Hoping to reach where I never will

I do not know what is amiss

I will forever be like this

And I want you to hold me tight

Before I slip by

I might not be worthy of all the love

But, a girl can forever hope

I am unaware of what tomorrow holds

But, today I want to gain myself back

May be, a goodbye to all those times

That have been bringing me down for a while

I am not as strong as I need to be

What a mess, I’ve made of me

 

I’ve a feeling by the time today ends, I am going to have a big fat smile plastered on my lips. I don’t know, this is just my gut feeling. Hope you’re happy wherever you’re.

Much lovies,

Yours,

Unknown me.

Shade.

Letters To The Unknown You: Part 17

Dear Unknown You,

letters to the unknown you

I’ve not written to you in ages as my last letter was dated April 1st… Sigh.. a long absence indeed.. How do I explain it… It is tough.. It’s not like you weren’t on my mind but in life, a lot of things happen even when you have not thought of it. Sometimes, they are things you regret and sometimes they are things that may not end good but in the end they will gift you memories that you will still cherish.. my case falls in the latter one.

My zest for writing these letters have died down a  little in these times ‘coz of reasons best left unsaid. It is the first time I am really scratching my head hard regarding what I should tell you,. even when it’s been two months since I last wrote to you.

As of my mental state of being, I have been flipping between good, happy, awesomely happy and sad and depressed. It is hard sometimes, just to contemplate the changes that are ’bout to come and I, being the one to detest changes find it really hard to adjust.

I do not know what tomorrow has in store and I seriously do not know which way we’re gonna fall and I also do not know how much I should and need to tell you right now, but I will try and wrap my mind, twisted thoughts, unsaid emotions in verse.. How much I will succeed in doing justice to all of it is something even I am unaware of.

 

~~~

My mind seems like a forest

There are too many trees

Growing wild

The roots are pierced deep

I know how high to shoot

I did not let the flowers bloom

But, the winds this time

Blew too fast

Contrary to uprooting the strongest trees,

It ended up blooming a wild rose

I am not ashamed of the flower

‘Coz the beauty it has knocks me down

Once in a lifetime, it happens

That a spring blooms amidst

The summer rage

With time, though the flower shall wilt

And once again the forest will be

The way it was meant to be

Yet, for times longer than we live

I shall remember the WILD ROSE

And yet, it is the trees and the roots

That will define the forest I shall be

~~~~

 

Yep, there’s more to it than what you read.. may be, we will have time to talk, explain, understand and ponder at the roads life takes us all. 

Keep well.

Much Lovies,

Shade

Yours,

Unknown You.

 

 

 

Letters To The Unknown You: Part 16

letters to the unknown you

Dear Unknown You,

It’s been quite a time since we spoke, didn’t we? Sometimes, I wonder if I am selfish and only remember you when things are going downhill. I don’t know, I have FLAWS.. a lot of them, but then aren’t all of us flawed. Today, I am writing to you because I do not feel alright. I know things will fix and I will smile but right now, I need you. There’s too much on my mind and there’s not really a reason. I hate myself when I am so eternally confused, it upsets my happy rhythm.

I am going to ask you some questions today.. I don’t really know, if I will EVER get the real answers or whether I am going to like the answers. I am messed, I always mess things. I wish life came with a simplify button.

 

Is it okay to be scared of something that hasn’t even happened but will? 

Is it okay to be scared of making mistakes?

What will happen if I end up making a series of mistakes?

Will I be forgiven or will I be forgotten and all traces of my memories removed?

What if I break some rules?

What if I make some really selfish wishes? 

What if I am stupid enough to do stupid things that aren’t really stupid?

You might be wondering what a lunatic I am. You don’t have to lie, I know I am. I like people who are brutally honest. Surely, once it stings to know, to hear that I am useless, worthless, but I know when people mean it and if I deserve it, I will live with it. I don’t always doubt myself, I am by nature happy, I love smiling and laughing in such a high pitched voice that even hyenas will run away, but there are days I am scared.

There are days I want to curl up in my bed and not wake up.

There are days my pillow gets so soaked with tears that I have to toss it upside down so that my cheeks can dry.

There are days when I am not just myself and no matter how hard I try, the smile doesn’t comes naturally.

There are days when all I need is a shoulder to lean on, to cry my heart out.

There are days when I both want to meet you and hate you because I do not know what it is going to be and what tomorrow will show.

I hope my worst fears are not realized. I wrote this to let you know that I am not the prettiest thing that will happen to you. I come with more flaws than what your fingers can count, but I wonder if sometimes, the flaws make a picture okay. Someone told me once, love is blind.. someone will find me beautiful even when I am not. I don’t think I  believe it yet. 

I don’t know if that is possible. I don’t want to look beautiful, all I want is to know that there is someone who is okay with what and who I am and doesn’t meeds to be blind to appreciate the best in me. I am not always so pensive, but it’s a part of who I am.

If it rained everyday, we would take it for granted and forget what it truly means, how special it is.

Today, I know I must thank God when I am happy because I would happily trade almost everything to wear that MAD SMILE I so easily wear mostly. Sorry to have rattled and scared you. I think I should break up with my non sense questions. Too much questioning never does any good because no one answers.. they just keep piling up and I am pressurized by my own burden. BURDEN. Yes, sometimes, I feel I am that.

I promise the next time I write to you, I will be happy. I don’t like dumping my sadness on others and make their day gloomy, but sometimes, I NEED you to hear and understand the mess you are going to handle. I am not sure you can, but I wonder if you would.

In thoughts of you,

Messed now, should be better soon.

Much Lovies,

Shade

Yours,

Unknown You.

 

Letters To The Unknown You: Part 15 || 500th Blog Post

Dear Unknown You,

This is going to be a very long and very LOUD letter. Please brace yourself. I am bouncing with happiness as I’ve too many good things to tell you.. I swear when I first typed the title of this post, it was a blog post in itself.. there are so many things I want to put in the title itself.. sigh.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE words… the more, the merrier. But, HELLOOOOOOOO, First things first..

500th BLOG POST.. HOLY GOD, when on EARTH, I got so L.U.C.K.Y.

I couldn’t sleep last night.. it is happening  a lot these days and so I was wondering.. what should the 500th post be.. then, I thought what would be better than sharing this amazingly awesome news with you.. Of course, I had a lot of alternate plans, but then I thought I can write one reallllyyyyyy long letter and try and tell how awesomely amazing I am feeling today…

You know it raineddddd yesterday and there was some realllll winnnd blowing tooooo… yaa, I know a lot of spelling mistakes but heyyyy this letter is supposed to be loud, long and signify my insane levels of happiness.. there isn’t a specific reason because there are a LOTTTTTT of reasons.. yes, you’ve to hear all of it… you just DON’TTT have a freaking option…

First of all, its my F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G. 500th post.. So I am really sitting like a hunk (yeah, I know men are supposed to look hunk, but I know I am not the most graceful of the lot, so I will be a gent for a while) on PLUTO.. I’ve heard, I mean I am literate so I know its REALLLYYYY cold on PLUTO.. I will love to be there one day.. whatttt?!?! don’t judge me, Why can’t I wish to travel to Pluto 😛 😛 Such a great journey I had writing at WP.. I’ve met some of the brightest souls.. who have given me much love and happpiness.. I’ve made some of the “bestestest” friends and most of all, I feel connected.. I know I’ve souls who would stand by me even when they do not even know if I am sane, if I am right, if I am okay.. this is what I love the most.. who says, you need to meet in person to find the real tug of love.. I’ve known some of the bestestest people  here.. okay, you’re awesome too, but I love my peeps here 🙂 🙂

Now, this segment of the letter is supposed to be for someone special.. someone I LOVE with all my heart.. HE IS THE ONE I DESPERATELY WANT TO MEET RIGHTAWAY AND IF YOU’RE READING THIS MAYER, YOU KNOW THIS ONE IS ONLY FOR YOU… YOU ARE REALLY SPECIAL..

Unknown you, My MAYER is the BROTHER I LOVE with ALLLL my heart because he is just so awesome.. you’re going to LOVE him equally…

This is for you Mayer,

“I often dreamt that one day, I will meet an artist who is not just good with the pen, but who knows what it takes to draw.. I am cursed in drawing.. I can’t even draw a straight line even with a scale… for me, drawing is magic.. when you told me, you’re going to draw a picture of me, I felt like ALICE IN THE WONDERLAND and like I always told you… YOU TURNED OUT TO BE MY JOHNNY DEPP… MAD HATTER

I can’t tell you what you’ve gifted me.. I am going to die with glee seeing the picture when it’s done.. I also have the secret desire of someone writing something with me in mind.. I’ve that done on a couple of occasions.. but it always feels special to know that you’re special enough for someone to write somethin specially for you.. you told me that too.. So, you’re my FAVORITE-est person at the moment. you also told me, you LOVE this letter series which makes me wish I had a Harry Potter magic wand so that I could just meet you immediately and  tell you how awesommmmeeee you’re.. these letters are as much yours, as mine.. you complete them beloved brother MAYER”

So, back to you, I know youre feeling a little jealous.. seeing me so sappy and happy.. but HELLOOOO, this is my 500th post and “someone” just offered to draw a picture of me.. this is a BIG OSCAR MOMENT… these are the days I wish I were a little prettier but it’s okayy.. I’m AWESOME and that works too.

I guess this is the longest letter I’ve written to you do far but so whattttt, this is 500th post.. it is supposed to be E.P.I.C. but in the end, it contains things I love to tell.. thanks to my love for words, I’ve come across some of the brightest people.. I am friends with a NATIONAL BESTSELLING AUTHOR.. I sometimes can’t wrap my mind around this fact.. It feels so OSCAR-ly 😛 I call him a lot of names and that is okay too… I have tried talking with a little more respect because swear to God, I am crazily obsessed with what he writes and I shamelessly stalk too, but in the end, I like to fool around and call bad names and I am hard to put up with but whatttt I come in a complete package of total nonsense but that’s not the point… because HOLY GOD, NATIONAL BEST-SELLING author and my friend.. how on EARTH did that happen.. GOD, surely LOVES LOVES LOVES ME 😛 😛

There are days, I think parts of my life are really a DREAM.. One day, I am going to wake up and realize I imagined a big lot out of it, but it’s okay, should that happen because I find dreams to wear the shade of reality too..

So, you know my life is really going great.. sure, there are days when I want to RUN into the wilderness and not come back, but dang my road sense, I would be lost the moment I am like a 100 metres from my home 😛 I think I should stop the letter or  else you will never read the 16th letter 😛

I know I am weird, tiring, draining, talkative, nonsense, idiotic but at the end of it, I AM AWESOME and you know it too…

With loads and loads of love,

Shade

HELLOOO, my birthday is commiinngggg.. are you ever going to wish meeee??

happy birthday

This is currently my bestestest favorite-est pictureeee

PHEWWW, Just realized I’ve been holding my breath for so long 😛 😛

I know I am the only one who still types so much after signing off, but HELLOOOO 500th POST.. BIG DEAAALLLL

All those who are reading this and even the ones who’re not

THANKK YOU MIGHTY MUCHHHHHHH

I hope one day, I will be typing an even bigger letter for my 5000th posttttt.. helloooooo you’re supposed to say AMEN

I am happppyy druggeed today lol.

Final signing off

Love,

SHADE

UPDATE: One last line, I just published the post and I got this message and I seriously had to add this 😛 😛

500th post

Woo Hoo!!! Now, the post is complete 😛 😛

3rd time signing off

Love,

SHADE 😛 😛